So This Is What Love Feels Like...
Posted: Tuesday, November 15, 2011
by Tharuna Devchand
There's this scene in the film 'Washington Square' that I always go on about. The lead lady was madly in love with a man who appeared to be the perfect guy. He never said a wrong thing; he respected her and loved her; and cherished the ground upon which she walked. Then she made the mistake of choosing him over her family and her inheritance. It was her act of selfless love and he walks away without turning back; his once passionate voice now cold, hard and unfaltering.
That's what just happened to me.
What seemed to be the perfect guy, who promised to love me endlessly and never hurt me, walked away without looking back over his shoulder. I didn't beg him to stay. I didn't promise to change. But an unfamiliar coldness in his voice, that I had never heard before, cut through me and I fell, broken... More torn than an apartheid flag.
It ended with one of those don't ever call or text or email me things. And before I could even recover from the blow, he had deleted me from facebook.
I used to believe that in the end, everything was ok; if not, it wasn't the end. Now, lying in his inbox is a message pleading that he doesn't let things end this way. A message that will probably never be read and instantly deleted.
Google, natuarally, blamed me. I was probably too pushy or intense or too demanding.
The old me would have believed it. The old me would have tortured myself trying to work out why I always end up meaning absolutely nothing to the men I give my all to. The old me would have been rendered immobile.
Sure, my hearts broken. And sure, I cried my heart out until my throat felt as if it were closing up, my head was pounding and there were just no more tears to cry. But, I am ok.
I still think that I am amazing and caring and smart and beautiful despite the sadness. After my last two heartbreaks (the only other two) I hated myself; I hated every single aspect of myself. No part of me was worthy to be loved! In those two relationships, I had also used love to fulfil a part of me that felt empty... Somewhat of a cure for my inadequacies.
With this dude, I had loved him for the sake of loving him. He didn't complete me, he didn't add anything to my life and, while I wanted him in my life, I didn't need him. I loved him as a choice and he chose to reject my love. And for the first time, I'm ok with that. I hate the way he did it; I hate the fact that he lied to me but I don't hate him.
Despite the pain, I feel a sense of achievement. I was able to love and lose and I could handle it. I took the plunge and things didn't work out, but I'm ok. A part of me feels like this is more a victory than a loss, but I know that tomorrow or the day after, the absence of his friendship will knock me over in waves of sadness. And I will cry. And I will be ok.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)This has given me goosebumps, Tharuna; well done for coming out of this intact and with dignity. It's amazing. I just can't get my head around his cruelty. What a fool!
Your last paragraph is beautiful. You definitely will be okay. And I agree, you are amazing and caring and smart and beautiful.Thanks Jen:).
Hi Tharuna,
i read your article which was painful for me to read as i was thinking while reading your article what must you be feeling while spilling your feelings on the Microsoft word because it needs great courage to say what you are feeling especially when you are heart broken. I can well relate too you because i divorced my husband due to the reason of his ill-treating me being a lawyer i took full use of my power and i am single since 8 yrs now.
My point is here never feel that you have lost someone because who has left you without any explanations is not worth your love at the first place secondly love and i mean true love is not a game in which you win /lose its just about accepting the person no matter for the rest of his/her life, my advise to you is now never be ready to dump a man for a change never let the man have this satisfaction of leaving you.
Love makes us women weak from inside but if we want we can keep our heads above the water why don't you analyze the situation like this that you met wrong men by fate after all all men are not the same is it not? But give yourself ample of time before falling for someone this time play your cards carefully this time, always remember that its not about winning the war all the time taking part in it fighting your way out makes a man a warrior.
Hope you are completely and fully recovered from your heartache. Thanks for sharing this article this with us .
Tania.
Thanks. In a strange way I feel that this connects us. Have you watched For the Coloured Girls? That film made me realise that women are not weak, we are stronger than we know. It's not a great film but the message is strong. Trust yourself! Being a women is a great thing. And i think being able to get rid of an ill treating husband and stand your ground makes you truly strong!
Im ok. I think for me it was a reassurance that I can fall in love again. My last relationship had torn me to pieces and I hadnt put myself out there for over 3 years cos I was too scared... But thanks to this, I know I can handle it:)
Take care
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